I Made a Galaxy: Unpacking the Phrase “I Need To”

How Many Galaxies Exist?

Somewhere in the range of 100 or 200 billion but that’s not any more certain than the question: Will I die tomorrow?

Who knows. There’s plenty of statistics, math equations and factors that could probably give an answer somewhere between an estimate and a definite answer.

But do any of those things matter? We can barely comprehend how vast Earth is (or at least I struggle with it), let alone coming to terms with shuffling off this mortal coil (I don’t fear it, I know it’ll come. What I fear more is leaving so much undone).

Have you ever tried to imagine all of space, each galaxy, planet, star? Atoms; all of it, just like you. You are a collection of atoms given the right codes to squeak and groan around the idea of Space. You are a collection of atoms that hopes to make Big Bangs of your own, to create, to love, to leap and learn. To leave a mark. You’ll be atoms in space one day. Just a few more to add to the black.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1gtbfuZaHg

I Need To

Somewhere between listening to the soundtracks from Marvel’s two Guardians of the Galaxy films (so far), feeling a tug-of-war between ridiculously blessed and the white noise of anxiety, found an answer to the question: “Why do I need to insert anything here?”

It’s not Hamlet, wondering the point of existence, though I have often wandered there. Nor is it something worthy of Buddha.

It came on an evening when the anxiety was particularly rampant. I imagined I had at least forty holes in my carpet thanks to all the circles I kept making. It was all I could do as I tried to yank my head around lists of things I had to get done. So, I distracted myself instead. I turned on BBC’s The Musketeers, because it’s fun but full of feels (I’ll give it a post sometime soon, right now I’m using Guardians of the Galaxy).

I pulled open Photoshop where I started with my usual collection of photos, typography and other graphics. Then, as I fiddled with a filter on one document I turned an image into white noise, and then, a black scene full of tiny white dots. Stars. In fiddling, as you often do with Photoshop when you don’t have a clear project and outcome in mind, I made outerspace. Then I fiddled some more and I ended up with the product at the top of this page.

I made a galaxy.

Excited, I made a few more. I lost myself in making galaxies. When at last, my PS3 shut itself off because I’d left my show running through episodes for long enough, I looked up.

I made the galaxy by pure luck, accident, largely because I wanted to. I wasn’t trying to make a perfect image, poignant phrase or bit of poetry. I splashed colours and swirled galactic arms where I wanted.

A Quick Aside:

This is one of my favourite scenes in the Guardian’s films because it’s a fabulous song that always gets me wanting to dance. Plus, I just love how the main characters are dealing with a job and Groot, responsible for setting up the music the others like to have in the background, uses it as a chance to have fun. I could analyse it deeper, but really, it’s just fun. We need more of that sometimes.

Both films are just a great time. Pure fun, silly, full of 80’s ridiculousness and colourful sci-fi tropes. Yet they still deal with complex themes ranging from the nature of family, choosing your family, identity, belonging and the desire to be loved and have an impact in the world. If you’ve somehow missed them, I highly recommend them, of all Marvel’s many films, these ones have good heart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrOCPu1DMNI

The Big Bang Moment

I wanted to.

I did not need to do anything.

I froze. I waited for the world to implode. Everything would go dark. It would all end.

Nothing happened.

“But I am a Certificate.” I said out loud. “I was taught that getting A’s is success, B’s are not. You can’t do something unless you prove your skill and you get a piece of paper.”

The atoms in the air were bumped by my statements but otherwise were unmoved.

“I need to work. Otherwise I will have no food or roof over my head. I have to clean. Otherwise I’ll live in a pig sty mess. And no, even if pigs are clean. That’s not the point.”

The atoms inside my airbed sofa bounced a bit as I flopped back on a pillow but otherwise they didn’t care.

I couldn’t focus again. My favourite tv show annoyed me. I wasn’t going to touch my laptop and Photoshop right now either. It was a bomb of confusion.

I flipped over to playlists and turned on the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtracks. It’s impossible to listen to that chirpy selection of 80’s music and not grin. It’s also impossible to not get up and do silly dancing across the carpet. I always go to it when I need a pick up or am already flying high.

The first song started and as I set down the volume controller my feet moved. I danced.

When it finished. I stopped and my thoughts came back. I looked at the list on my fridge which told me all the things “I Needed To Do” tomorrow.

• Marking
• Emails to parents
• Emails to Critique groups
• Cleaning
• Dream Draft -Autumn scenes
• Blog post

I had marking to do, I looked forward to reading what my students wrote. I also had a few positives to email to parents rather than last week’s “so and so will fail unless they get their missing work in.”

I had cleaning to do, I had been wanting to empty out my laundry basket all week and I liked the smell of vinegar after washing the floor. It was like being at chippy in the UK (fish and chip shop).

I had that re-draft to do, but instead of frustration (since this one’s gone through about eight re-writes), I had decided I was staying with the voice I enjoyed doing and it’d make poking fun at myth tropes a riot.

I had a blog post to write. I was stuck between ideas but I liked trying to get back on a schedule.

I wanted to make galaxies too.

What Did I Learn?

Even those frustrating things: cleaning is agonizing and I sit for an hour sometimes, trying to word emails to parents, I found something about them I could look forward to, I could enjoy.

That’s all life is. Just enjoying each moment as it comes. Doing what you can with the time that is given to you. Why people still say that “A’s” and certificates count as success and anything otherwise need to make their own galaxies.

There is no rhyme or reason to anything. It just is and we’re here to smile and laugh through it. So that, when death does knock we leave with a smile, a laugh and the thought: “it’s over now, but I enjoyed it.”

The experiences that made me think about this aren’t the worst I’ve had, in fact, it was a rather typical evening for me. Nor is any of it even “bad” compared to most people on this planet. Then again, none of it even registers to the atoms which float out in galaxy number 1,243,659.

Whatever your sky looks like; whether it’s grey, clouded, pink, yellow or blue. Enjoy it. This is the one chance you’ll have but it doesn’t need fireworks or champagne. It doesn’t need a cheque for a million dollars or a little bit of quiet from all the shouting.

It just needs a reminder that the universe is full of galaxies and you’re lucky to be wandering through a tiny circle of this one.

Go on, there are mountains to get climbing. They’ll be tough, rough and you’ll want to quit.

So just dance.

As the year kicks into full throttle, I am going to try and do it more.

(Probably to my favourite song of both soundtracks that has since made it onto my Top Ten all time favourites).